Turn on the light...

Madonna is changing her name. To Esther.

It's all part of her life-changing Kabbalah experience.

So I thought - 'well, if it can change Madonna's life, why can't it change mine?'

Kabbalah.com was my first stop on the path to self-enlightenment. I clicked on the link 'What is Kabbalah?' and started reading.

Yes, godamnit, I want a miraculous source of power so profound, so powerful, that it can totally heal and transform my life and genuinely change our world for the good - forever!

I read on, desperate to discover where I could find this source of power. I didn't have to wait for long - here I was told that the source of this incredible power is The Zohar, the greatest source of wisdom known to mankind.

Who knew that this incredible source of wisdom existed? I certainly didn't, until today, when my entire life has been changed!

Because (and here's the kicker) apparently it's all about accepting the light into your life, into the dark, dark recesses of your soul! Simply holding The Zohar can flip on the Light switch in your life!

Yay!

As I made my way through the introductory pages to this seemingly magical, all-encompassing, life-changing website, I became more and more excited. Could this be the day that I too, like Madonna, receive the Light into my life?

And then I got to this.

Can someone please explain the relevance of The Godfather, Gone with the wind, Shakespeare or The Wizard of Oz has to do with my mystical, life-changing experience?

Nothing. That's what. This site is a complete load of crap. A very nice looking piece of crap, but crap all the same. It's almost as if the 'Kabbalah Centre', or whoever is sponsoring this site (that's not made all that clear until, I suppose, you have to fork over large amounts of money to continue on the, I'm sure, very long path to spiritual enlightenment) is scared that only by covering up the obvious deficiencies in their system of beliefs (it's not a religion though, I'm assured on about the fourth page!) with lots of bells and whistles and cool music will anyone be likely to give them lots of money, oops, I mean turn on the Light in their own lives.

I'm not usually this venhemently against a 'religion' (I've tolerated Sandro's overwhelming Catholicismness all year) but this thing is just ridiculous. I'm about halfway through 'Kabbalah 101', but I don't have enough net credit to continue, much to my disappointment. So far they've only told me one rule about how I can accept the Light (some crap about, well, accepting the Light), and it took a bloody long time to even get to that point.

But seriously, check it out for yourself people. The site is hilarious - I particularly like the movie about baseball - and maybe, just maybe, you'll learn something about 'flipping on the Light' in your own life.

That, or you'll get mega-rich off writing children's books about it like Madonna.

Sorry, I mean Esther.