Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Ding dong...

The bitch is dead!

Woohoo! Alias season finale last night. While it didn't live up to previous season finales of the show (I mean, it's pretty hard to live up to "We thought you were dead seeing as you disappeared for three years, so I went and got depressed and then went off and married evil-bitch-woman, aka Lauren"), but still pretty damn good. Why? I hear you ask. Ok, so I don't hear you asking that, because no-one except me really cares, but I'm going to tell you why anyway:
  • The opening scene - you can tell it's going to be a good episode when things blow up AND a major character gets seriously shot within two minutes. All before the opening titles.

  • Jack. The man is a genius. A walking, talking, sleeping-around (he slept with his ex-wife's sister last week) spy legend. I love Jack. Jack is the definition of cool. Especially when he's telling Vaughn about his top-secret garage that has all the equipment needed to dispose of the Bitch's body (aka Lauren).

  • The Bitch is dead! Well, I assume that she's dead. You never know with Alias, but I'm presuming that there's a very good chance that she will stay dead, what with the 10 bullets that went into her torso and head, and the fall down a very deep mine-shaft...

  • Vaughn was less pathetic than usual. Of course, Patheticvaughn was replaced with Psychovaughn: not an enormous improvement, but anything is better than the big lump of wetness that we've all been subjected to the last few weeks. Ok, so maybe the last few months. Ok, so he's always been pathetic. Which makes Psychovaughn even more welcome.

  • Isabella Rossellini was in this episode, even if it was only for a minute or so. Her character Katya is tres cool. And not only because she stabbed both Vaughn (literally) and Sydney (metaphorically)in the back.

  • Sark, as always, was his lovable best. This guy is almost as cool as Jack. Loved his whole "Stay in the Sydney mask, Lauren, and I'll live out one of my personal fantasies" thing. If that makes sense. And the bit where he details to Vaughn every place and surface that he and Lauren had sex on. Anyway, Sark is a legend, and any episode with at least a bit of Sark is going to be at least half good.

  • And of course, the final scene was Teh Cool, even if Sydney started crying. Again. (suck it up girl!) When the screen went black and Mr Voice-Over Guy said "That was the season finale of Alias" I of course shouted "WHAT?!?!" and started making incoherent sounds of anger while waving my arms around in strange ways. How am I going to survive until February next year (at the very earliest) to find out what Sydney was never meant to see?!

So all in all, a pretty damn good episode. But to ensure that the show gets even better next season, here is a list of things that I recommend Jeffrey Abrams consider (because, you know, he regularly reads my blog and we're always talking on the phone):
  1. Please, please don't let The Bitch come back from the dead. Please!!!!

  2. More Jack. Would solve so many problems.

  3. More Sark. Hell, let's just have a show about Sark and Jack. With some Sloane, because Sloane is also cool, in his 'is he evil? is he good?' kind of way.

  4. Bring back Irena! In fact, more of the entire Derevko clan. Derevko women kick arse.

  5. Stop Sydney crying. For a woman who is supposed to be a tough, kick-arse secret agent, she cries far too much.

  6. Toughen Vaughn up. Be a man!

  7. Random costume changes are good. As are random wigs that hold little relevance to the mission at hand.

  8. Can Vaughn and Sydney just get together already? We've had three seasons now of all their crap, and frankly I'm sick of it. Just get married already!

  9. I think it's time for an episode in Australia - you've been everywhere else in the world, why not good ol' Aussie?

  10. More cool gadgets. Cool gadgets have been sadly lacking I think lately, overshadowed by "yes, I'll have that Rambaldi translation for you asap!" Poor Marshall, all he seems to do these days is translate stuff. And get shot. Which sucks for him all round really.

So there you go, my comprehensive summary of Alias, past, present and future. May it have a long and prosperous life!

(If you are a very weird person and do not watch Alias, but would still like to know what the hell I was talking about in this post, give this a try.)

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