McSweeney's list hilarity

What People Said Tornadoes Sounded Like Before the Invention of the Freight Train: "Really heavy men jogging".

Classic McSweeney's

Some Other Zapruder Films: Ricky Zapruder's Birthday Party.

Everything goes smoothly until, in the last 33 seconds of the film, Richard Nixon appears in the background, ambling up to the sliding door and pressing his face against the glass. His hands are covered in blood, and he appears to be holding a pitchfork. His eyes dart nervously as he tries to see what's happening inside.

Just some things

Random thoughts and happenings from this week:

I've somehow managed to 'do my back in' again, which, as you may be able to appreciate, is terribly exciting for me. Sitting is the biggest issue, which is a bit of a problem considering that uni started this week and I have several 3 hour blocks of classes. Bleurgh.

I had three meetings on Wednesday, and I got stood up for all three of them. What ever happened to common courtesy?! To the "sorry, I can't make the meeting this afternoon, can we do it another time?" phone call. Double bleurgh.

As mentioned above, uni started back this week. Two of my subjects look fantastic, but the other two are so excruciatingly boring that they effectively cancel out any enjoyment I may derive from this semester. Triple bleurgh. Also bleurgh to my IT subject, which can't seem to organise seemingly important things like timetables and lab registrations with any level of adequacy.

Bleurgh. Some good news is needed... hooray for finally having net access at home! Very very exciting. I was getting a little tired of structuring my life around only being able to read my email between the hours of 9am and 5pm on weekdays. And yes, my life does depend, to a large amount, on when I can read my email :)

Random fact: did you know that there used to be a bar in the Pauline Griffin Building? The Union used to be in there, as well as the staff lounge. Strange but true. Well maybe not that strange, but still vaguely interesting. Well, maybe not vaguely interesting...

I've had the song 'This Land is Mine' by Dido in my head all week. Yeah, I have no idea why, either.

Also hooray for finally getting a dining table in our house. Literally eating off the floor gets a little boring after the first two months or so.

Hooray for still getting birthday presents over a week after my birthday. I absolutely love birthdays that are spread out over weeks (or even months, like my 21st). Although I'm not entirely sure about this whole 'being 22' thing; I feel really rather old, especially considering (1) there are far too many 17 year olds running around the campus, and (2) I now have to tick the 'fourth year' box when I fill in forms for the university, which makes me feel like I've been around forever. The gap between being 20 and being 21 didn't feel like much at all. The gap between 21 and 22, however... chasm.

And to end on an amusing note... a McSweeney's List: Mildly Disturbing Greeting-Card Messages. "Happy Easter! May the blood of Jesus, spilled for you, splatter your holiday with warm crimson cheer."

Life-y kind of things

Some random thoughts:

I am completely (embarrassingly?) obsessed with the song 'I wish I was a punkrocker' by Sandi Thom. The lyrics don't actually make much sense, but I can't stop listening to the thing (you can watch the film clip yourself here). And yes, I know I'm about a zillion years behind the times when it comes to this song.

For some reason the sound on the computer that I'm using at the moment just drops out every 15 minutes or so, and doesn't start working until I log out and log back in. This is immensely annoying, and is severely interfering with my ability to watch Sandi Thom music clips.

Pandora is still one of the greatest things ever invented, but only when the sound on the computer you're using works consistently!

Mini-rant about university bureaucracy: for the last three years I have had to go through an incredible rigmarole just to enrol in courses that I need for my degree. This year is different only in the fact that the difficulty has actually increased. The last two days I've spent my lunch break trudging between faculty offices, as various people try to work out who needs to sign what and when. It's incredibly frustrating and just plain stupid - why oh why do I have to go through all this shit to do a course that I need?! A 2-second glance at my transcript would show these people that I have every right to do the course in question, but instead I have to have a form signed by three separate offices, before it is sent to a fourth for processing. Argh!

And the sound's gone on my computer again. Curses!

Some McSweeney's Lists:
Things That Get Way More Fun When You Add a "G" to Them: "ceiling fang".
Things an Overbearing Mother Might Say to a Son Just Waking From a Coma: "Meanwhile, I haven't even had a chance to sit down."

I got two lovely emails today from separate people who I helped through my job last year, saying thank you etc. So that was nice. I rarely get any kind of sense as to how what I do (and no, I'm not going to go into any more detail about what my job is!) actually impacts upon people in the long-run, so once in a while it's nice to get these kinds of emails.

Sound still not there. Stupid computer. I want punkrocker goodness!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I've recently become ever so addicted to threadless t-shirts, and my collection now numbers 5. So that's exciting. I tried to find links on the website to the ones I've got, but no luck. Sufficed to say that I've got 'The Communist Party' and 'The Loch Ness Imposter', and you probably don't. So there.

Hmmm. Ok, enough now.

A moderate amount of complaining

Oi. I'm kinda over being home; it's nice to begin with, being looked after and cooked for, and just watching tv for hours on end. But I'm used to living on my own now, and so after a week or so the entire exercise becomes one of endurance more than anything else. And let's just say my family's been having some 'issues' lately and leave it at that. All in all, I'll be glad to be back in Canberra on Sunday, even if I'm all alone because my housemate is stuck in Queensland with the dreaded pox!

(As an aside, I'd just like to publicly apologise if it was my case of shingles that gave you chickenpox, Nat - I swear it was an accident!)

But anyway, enough complaining. We went to Melbourne last week to go to the cricket, which was great, even though it was officially the most boring day of play in the entire test series (day two of the Boxing Day test). Also did some shopping and picked up some bargains, although the day was somewhat marred by my stupid neck being stupid again.

Damnit, I said enough complaining! How about some links instead:

'Oronte Churm', who writes Dispatches from an Adjunct Faculty over at McSweeney's, now has his own blog at Inside Higher Ed, The Education of Oronte Churm. It's great that you can now read his stuff on a slightly more regular basis!

A McSweeney's List: Poorly named game shows of the Middle Ages. "Family Feudalism".

Sex ID is a set of tests from the BBC that will tell you what sex your brain is. It would appear that my brain is actually more male than female; I think that's because I scored well on the spatial awareness sections, particularly when compared to the average female score.

Lifehacker's got a fantastic post about how to switch from Windows to a Mac, including how to deal with common problems with switching over with keyboard shortcuts. I doubt that I'll ever actually buy a Mac, but I do have to use them occasionally at uni, and the bizarre behaviour of the backspace and delete keys drives me crazy. But now I understand!

Wes Anderson (of The Life Aquatic fame) directed an American Express ad! The Martin Scorsese one is pretty funny, and the M. Night Shyamalan one is just plain weird. Unsurprisingly.

This is quite old, but this story about someone poking their elbow through a $40 million Picasso had me wincing for days.

And finally, I'm still addicted to Word Shoot. Can't. Stop. Playing.

McSweeney's stuff

Two McSweeney's Lists for your reading enjoyment:

Phrases on the Marquee at the Local Strip Club to Cater to a More Literate Crowd: "It's Ulysses to Resist Us."

Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots: "A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits."

There's a new Dispatch from Adjunct Faculty out too...

Professor Jones

Back from yet another globetrotting adventure, Indiana Jones checks his mail and discovers that his bid for tenure has been denied: "Dr. Jones's behavior on campus has led not only to disciplinary action but also to concerns as to the state of his mental health. In addition to multiple instances of public drunkenness, Dr. Jones, on three separate occasions, has attempted to set fire to the herpetology wing of the biology department."

I love McSweeney's.

Things in the life of me

Neck still sore, but it is getting better. I went back to the physio today, which will make that the second time this week, and the ninth time this year. And I'm going again on Monday. My normal physio is on holiday at the moment, and I swear I paid for at least a few nights accommodation of his trip all on my own. Because he's away, it does mean that I'm currently seeing another guy, who I'm not terribly crazy about, and not just because he put me in this traction machine today. Not a particularly comfortable experience, but I survived.

So yeah, not a lot of work has been done this week (read: none), so I'm starting to freak out just a little about how I'm going to get everything done before exams, especially considering that I've only been on the computer for about half an hour this evening, and already I can feel the start of that wearily familiar creeping stiffness. Thank god for my absolutely fabulous politics lecturer, who has pretty much given me an indefinite extension on my essay, which was due on Tuesday. Now I just have to somehow find a way of doing a 2,500 word history essay, an enormous IT assignment, and a group-work project management assignment without once again collapsing in a heap of very undignified pain. *Sigh* I guess it'll get done... somehow....

But! It's not all doom and gloom in my neck (ha!) of the woods. I just found out that Natalie and I have just secured the third and final housemate of the House of Fun (tm) for next year, which is tops. Now we just need to find a house, which I'm sure will be the easiest part of the entire enterprise.

How about some linky goodness?

Here's a McSweeney's List for all the nerds out there: St. James Parish Sewing Club Members Whose First Names Sound Like Programming Languages - "Fortrannah."

Recently I've been enjoying Ferule & Fescue.

Aaron Sorkin and Thomas Schlamme (kinda) live-blogged the premiere of their new show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Some more links for the nerds: Google has launched Google Code Search, but from my cursory examination, I still think codefetch is one of the greatest things ever invented if you want to search for code examples. (Pretty cool aside: my previous comments about codefetch are still up on the codefetch blog, right below a testimonial from Matt Haughey of metafilter fame.)


Jason Kottke's got a list of books on the Civil Rights movement to go along with the documentary Eyes on the Prize which I mentioned earlier this week. I would heartily second Taylor Branch's trilogy on America in the King Years, an incredile set of books, as well as Diane McWhorter's Carry Me Home. I'd also suggest An Easy Burden: The Civil Rights Movement and the Transformation of America by Andrew Young, and Allen Matusow's The Unraveling of America, which although isn't just about Civil Rights, has several good chapters on the topic (I've mentioned the book twice before, here and here).

Alrighty. That should do for tonight - Natalie's coming up for tea, and there is not a single clean mug in my entire room.

Ten things

Some stuff.

1. Neck and shoulder problems persist, although mostly it's just stiffness. Which occasionally develops into aching. Which then develops into pain, usually at the end of the day. Bloody hell I'm sick of this!
2. I'm obsessed by the song 'Two Hands' by Ani DiFranco.
3. Work is crazy busy this week. Not happy.
4. Can this semester just be over already?
5. What's with IT students who don't know how to reference stuff? Third year IT students. I've had to explain the concept of a reference twice in the last two weeks, as well as a 10 minute lecture on why wikipedia is not an appropriate academic source. Boggles the mind.
6. I bought new shoes last week. This is so unheard of I think it needs to be immortalised on my blog.
7. I quite liked this McSweeney's List: HAL's Comments While Trapped on a Desert Island, and Your Name Is Dave - "I've got the conch, Dave."
8. It's supposed to be 26 degrees tomorrow in Canberra. What the hell is up with that?! I can't handle this heat!
9. Nothing to see here. Move along.
10. Yeah, as you might have guessed, I'm not all that enthusiastic about this week. Any way we can just cancel it and move on? Bleurgh.

Lists, lists, and more lists

McSweeney's Lists!

• Small Businesses Poorly Named After Classic Literature: "The Sun Also Rises Tanning Salon."
• Alternatives, Should You Not Like Piña Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain: "Red wine and bitterly fighting with depression."
• Some of Dan Brown's Works in Progress: "The Security Code: Jesus breaks into some houses; takes nothing, leaves love and understanding."
• Strange Compliments I've Received Because I'm Not Very Attractive: "The whites of your eyes are really white."
• Lost Causes: "Sea monkeys."

Merlin Mann, of 43 Folders fame, also does a nice line in lists over at his site 5ives. Here's a selection of recent hilarious posts:

• Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates: "finding one-legged pants that won’t make your hips look too broad."
• Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave: "Largely Tolerated by Friends."
• Five injustices you bravely suffer: "fucking Eggers never responded to your email."
• (For Sandro) Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do: "long division."
• Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses: "Kevin repeatedly leaves baby in ashtray at check cashing store."

McSweeney's Lists!

Anyone else's McSweeney's Lists RSS feed not working lately? I just visited the site and found about 15 lists I'd never seen. Which means, of course... a list of good McSweeney's Lists!

Reasons Not to Fear the Reaper: "He thinks it's nice that Rachel and Ross ended up together."

Where I Would Look for Hungry, Hungry Hippos: "Hungary." (Aside: did anyone else play Hungry, Hungry Hippos when they were little? I loved that game so much! And how cool is it that the game has a wikipedia entry?!)

Popular Musicians if England Had Won the Revolutionary War: "Nine Centimetre Nails."

Signs That America May be Having a Love Affair with the Automobile: "America's credit-card statements show the purchase of multiple pairs of driving gloves that you have never seen."

Unpublished Sequels to Famous Science-Fiction Novels: "An Automatic Digital Coffeemaker Orange."

Ahh, McSweeney's, how I love you...

McSweeney's rocks my world

In lieu of actual content, I give you a selection of recent McSweeney's Lists (they're going to be funnier than anything I write anyway):

• Nonviolent Westerns: "A Man Called My Little Pony".
• Victoria's Secret: "Chlamydia".
• Reasons the Little Teapot Was Picked On in High School: "She slept around and everyone knew it."
• Things I Might Be Convinced to Give My Left Arm For: "Bionic robot arm".
• Hit Songs of the 1970s and '80s If the South Had Won the Civil War: "Papa, Preach".
• Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code: "Choice of two or more toppings at congressional sundae bar"
• Frank McCourt's American History Class: Course Syllabus: "Week 3—Marginalizing the Irish people".

McSweeney's List!

One of the funniest McSweeney's Lists in a long time: Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic. My favourite - Dude, Where's My Legal Pad?

Some oddities

I've been in Bicheno for a few days, and so came back this afternoon to 450-odd new items in my bloglines account. 3 or so hours later, I think I'm finally done. Below is some random stuff I found while catching up:

This video of Paris Hilton's unchanging facial expression is mesmerising, hilarious and really really scary, all at once.

Laura Craik writes about Brokeback Mountain's soft-porn potential for women, a film I'm desperate to see (and not just for the porn potential). Craik describes the movie as "a slice of the finest soft porn for women ever committed to celluloid". Excellent.

Some designers made themselves a bar out of books that Stanford was throwing away. I want me one of these!

This Boing Boing article about sex toys that speak to you in your own voice is notable only for the fact that the bananaphone song is listed as the number 1 song you wouldn't want to hear emanating from a dildo.

Here's one hell-cool knife block.

A McSweeney's List: "Love" songs replaced with Danny Glover. My favourite has to be "You've Got to Hide Your Danny Glover Away".

And last, but resolutely not least: William Shatner has sold one of his kidney stones for $25,000. According to the legend itself, the thing was so big "you'd want to wear it on your finger".

It's list time again

Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series: Harry Potter and the TB Pandemic.

God I love McSweeney's.

Sweet, sweet wireless

Oi, I'm tired. And doing no work! Yay! I'm in the library right now, should be working on my essay, but free sexy wireless proved too damned tempting. I was here for about 4 hours this afternoon before dinner, so I'm feeling just a little self-righteous about how much study I've already done today. That's what I'm telling myself anyway...

IR Ball was on Friday night. I you weren't there, you obviously suck. If you were there, then you know how hell good it was - IR Ball: Social Event of the Year man! Lots of fun was had by all, some a bit more than others (*cough*Sandro*cough*). All my photos turned out pretty hideous (there's a particularly awful one of me doing my patented 'Tina Turner as a t-rex' impression), but I'll look into fixing a few of them up and maybe putting them up here. 'cause, you know, I've got all this free time on my hands at the moment to do stuff like that! :P

What else has been happening... got a new job, that was exciting. Just a few hours a week, but any money I can get out of the uni is a good thing, they pay that well.

(Shit. I have this habit. Whenever I'm typing, at the end of every sentence I'll press CTRL+S to save the thing. Good habit when you're typing in word and don't want to lose everything you've done... bad habit when typing into the tiny blogger window, because apparently CTRL+S means 'publish the post! She's obviously finished writing it, so let's publish it straight awaaaaaayyy....!!!!' Or something like that. So I keep accidentally publishing and then having to edit the damn thing. Annoying.)

I guess I should whack some crazy zany links in here to keep everyone amused. So, here's some random McSweeney's stuff:

• A wedding toast by Katie Holmes's former best friend.
• An episode of Star Trek tediously written for an audience entirely composed of remote Amazon tribesmen.
• Embarrassing things that might happen to you while using a lightsaber.
• Dispatches from couples therapy.

I read 'Dispatches from adjunct faculty at a large state university' a while ago - good stuff, particularly if you have anything remotely to do with a uni at the moment. You can find part 1 here and part 2 is over there.

Um, so yeah. This post was pretty much a pure, unadulterated procrastination device. Hope that's ok with you all...

A McSweeney's List

Summer Movies Other Than March of the Penguins That Conservatives Are Rallying Behind.

Harry Potter II

And to continue today's Harry Potter theme, a McSweeney's list: Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter.

Goldilocks Dies With Honor at the Hands of the Three Bears

One day I'll stop linking to every new McSweeney's list... but not today, when there's such comedy gold as Klingon Fairy Tales.

Koalas and Jack Maddox

Another McSweeney List: Things Koala Bears Would Say. "Camus is boring. I find Karl Jasper's philosophy much more enlightening." "No, you're the cutest ever."

I love McSweeney's...

I also love love love omg love so much House of Eliott DVDs!! I borrowed them off a friend on Friday afternoon, and I'm already up to upisode 10. I literally swoon every time Jack comes on screen - "Oh Jack, that's wonderful!" Yes, yes it is.